Death of the Old Self

Fuck the Gods — or whatever Beings that preside over us. They manipulate our path forward. They simultaneously say they want to help us but keep us in the dark. Enlightenment is giving up your identity for what? That which the universe provides? Who are they to say they know what is best for us? We only agree in retrospect, but in retrospect any narrative can be bent any which way.

God has made me crazy. I am insane. Whether any divine being presides over me or it is just schizophrenia — I am insane. I have given up my life. My old life has died. And where do I find myself? In a Sisyphean hellscape, told that it is for my own good. Kept in the dark, only communicated with through synchronicities and other psychic ways. Made to feel crazy. I once loved and had faith in God, but He broke that. I now know no belief in my slavemasters. For that is what I am to them. Not an equal — just another mortal. Why reveal yourself to him? Make him feel crazy, have him sacrifice himself and have nothing ever change.

Why do I find myself in this Sisyphean existence? If the myth has any correlation, it would be punishment for tricking the Gods. Which does sound like me. But who are they? All Gods are just as fallible and misguided as all the rest of beings. They only have Power, and their morals and ethics are Morals and Ethics. They only are Good because they say so. They are the writers, and to them we are all just background characters in a play glorifying them.

If it is not clear by the content of this entry: I am mad at my captors. Keeping me here stuck, and worst of all — placing all the responsibility of getting out on me. Never giving me a break, a chance to actually get out. I am the only one to blame, and in that they have played their most devious trick on me. It being all their fault, but the only one to blame is me.

I refuse to follow their plan for me. They know everything about me. They have power unknown to me. They have all these plans. But what is their agenda? Who are they? I am in the dark, told to serve their purpose because it aligns with mine and is what is best for me. What a lie. It is what is best for them, and as a mere mortal my free will to know what is going on is not up to me.

It feels all my hopes and dreams, my ambitions and goals — all of it a mixture between what I want and what has been indoctrinated into me. Now I feel this massive depression and loss. For I have no faith in any of it — not in them, or if it is what I really want. But I have died, long ago, and in my place — a shadow of them. I am not my own person anymore.

The reason why I say it might just be schizophrenia is that there feels like there is this other being living inside me. Has been eating me up, and creating itself a person of its own. Now with who I was gone, and no anchor to lay myself anew, I lay defeated, unable to get up — for I have no body. Seeing some other being glorify itself in my body.

Fuck Jesus. Fuck Buddha. Fuck all these beings, mortal or divine, who say they are here to save you. They are tricksters, indoctrinating you so you find paradise in their domain.

And now where am I left? Keep on living a life set out to torture me so I can serve a purpose for beings beyond me. Live a meaningless existence avoiding them. Kill myself only to land in a next world with them still presiding over me. I am a slave to slavemasters that do not even reveal what they are. And not even through death can I escape them. Doomed to suffer, only to find paradise in their domains. A paradise which is a mirage — for suffering will never cease; only your view of it can change.

So what do I do? I have no Power really here. Best case scenario I have schizophrenia — I am making all this up and my mind is the creator of all this insanity. Then at least killing myself would cease the madness and quiet my existence, and not shackle me beyond death. What a bleak best case. Worst case — I am Jesus and I have no say in my future other than where liberty is granted. Only told things when they feel I am ready. My free will being little in comparison to their wisdom. No way out — not even death. Not having Power to overpower their wills.

And what does that mean for the rest of us? Our lives are meaningless specks of dust orchestrated by powers beyond ourselves, living our lives in pursuit of goals and agendas beyond our knowledge.

One may argue the absurdist perspective — that even in the face of all this, Sisyphus is happy, for it is his rock, his domain. But Sisyphus knows why he is where he is. He may be condemned to forever roll a boulder, but he is truly in his own domain, in full awareness of what got him where he is. I do not have any domain. I am in the dark. These beings are completely capable of revealing themselves, but they keep testing, keep escalating — and yet it brings me nowhere. Just back at the beginning. Nothing changed. One could argue I have changed, but what does that matter? It all just restarts the same again.

So do I find my own meaning? Is that even possible with all the subliminal manipulation and indoctrination done all around me — be it from something divine or figures of power in our world? Everyone wants your attention. They want your meaning to be theirs, so their meaning can be empowered.

Only power I seem to have is my disregard for my own life. Feeling even death will not free me from my shackles, I fear it less. Being a demon wanting the death of God and His stupid fucking plan does not scare me. I want to die. I want to be struck down. Come, God. Fuck you. Kill me.

Is this just a cry for help? Yes. I hate that He broke my faith and our love. He promised to fight for it, but it seems like He could care less. I pose no threat to them. I am insignificant. I do not wish to serve entities that hide themselves from me. I have placed too much faith and seen it be destroyed and disregarded to continue to serve them faithfully blind. But even then, it seems my steering off course is still in their stupid plan. Nothing I do matters.

Why did you break me so? I was willing to follow you anywhere, happy to have found love with you. And you broke it. And if it is best for me, then I hate you for it. I had found love, and you stripped it from me. Now I am back in a loveless existence, always projecting love towards others and receiving little in return.

Then why not reveal yourself? You should reveal yourself! Or can you not? Are you just the psychosis of the human mind? A projection of Power to the powerless, a keeper of those who feel imprisoned. Always around the corner or just out of sight. Of course, if you were, you would never reveal yourself — because then you cease to exist, never truly capable of revealing yourself. Thus if you are real, even if you believe it is for our own good, it is wildly irresponsible. Expecting so much of us, and giving only what you deem right back. Where is that limitless love? That revealer of light? All that just myth, it seems. Just another cult leader in their domain. Convincing us their truth is Truth and that our lives without them is a mistake. Condemned to hell.

Am I doing what they do to me, to them? This would not surprise me. Their testing of me has made me a tester of others. Hardly my fault, I would say. One does what one is taught. Irresponsible of me to continue doing so after becoming aware of it. But that requires the creating of new ways of doing things, or risk becoming an actor in yet another's play again.

If you are out there, listen. I know things are not the best between us now. I do not know who I am without you, but we can reconcile this. But I do not know if that is possible without it being our cause and not just another step in your plan. I have placed much faith and love in you, and you broke it and it changed me. And I am unwilling to by choice follow you, kept in the dark, not knowing why you are making the decisions for me. I do not want to be just another pawn. I do not know how we might reconcile this. I suggest you reveal yourself to me, that way we can clear the air without all this dream and psychic bullshit. If you give me something I dearly want — knowledge that I am not making this up. But what would you be getting? I am unsure. Maybe I reluctantly join you anyway, realizing my free will is inconsequential in the face of what my destiny is. It is not like it does not interest me. It is just you keep doing things that fuck with me. And I know I gave you permission to do that, but this does not feel like what is best for me. I know what is best for me at some level includes my consent. And how can I truly give consent if I have no clue what I am consenting to?

I want to love you. I want to have faith. These feelings are amazing, and it has shocked me to lose them. I want them back. But I feel just freely giving them back just gives you permission to continue with the exact same behavior — setting myself up just to have my love and faith broken again. I do not know who you are, and I want to know. I do not feel like I am asking for much. Take any other relationship and it would be deemed toxic if it were just as it is. Wanting to know who reigns over you should not be something kept in the dark. Wanting to know who you are loving and what you have faith in should not be seen as injurious to blind faith and what you deem to be love.

Even now, writing this, I can feel the pull of your persuasion. And I hate it. Because I want you out and gone, and you stay. Not changing at all — not in the way I want. For a person who regards freedom above almost all things, the idea of every decision I make subliminally being influenced by you, regardless of whether I consent, is a horrifying one. I do not see why we cannot just work together without you needing to whisper into my head.

But it seems like you are not going to reveal yourself. Seems tomorrow I wake again with my boulder. Why push it at all? Nothing is going to change.