Admission of Lust

I grew up developing a porn addiction and a toxic relationship to both my birth mother and stepmother. Due to this, my childhood and early adulthood was plagued with me choosing women who reminded me of what I wanted but lost: true love. I chose woman after woman who did not really love me, and grew toxic. I was unable to find a proper outlet for my sexual urges and fell ever deeper into a porn addiction. It started off with me subscribing to a girl on OnlyFans who looked like my first love, then it developed into watching BDSM and fantasy rape. I grew more depressed and much time passed.

Eventually I found myself on incest porn subreddits. Something about reading about the love these people had for one another just took me over, as it mixed the only love I knew — sex — with the one I was after. Of course, children were often discussed in these subreddits. Much more time passed — you see, all this happened over the course of many years — but it kept escalating as I became all the more hopeless in my pursuit of love, falling into the only love I really knew, even when it only served in my self-destruction.

One day I was surfing the dark net, wanting to buy weed and curious about other drugs. That is where I stumbled upon a child porn site. At first I just closed it and moved on. But some nights I would get fucked up high and my loneliness and porn addiction made me want to escalate, as the porn I was watching was not working for me anymore. I then started to masturbate to child porn. For the first year it happened less than a handful of times, but each time it was on a night I got really high. So the next morning I would either not remember or be able to compartmentalize it away. But I soon found myself doing it even when I was not high, and all the more often.

All this — but mostly the child porn — I am ashamed of. But like Aquinas said, lust is like an open wound I keep on licking. When I then found myself on the path to enlightenment, I had confronted myself on this and promised a vow of chastity.

This sin had long pushed me away from God and had kept me in hell. But it was also the reason for my enlightenment. It destroyed me, and thus I had to be reborn again. It forced me to confront that which is within me that wishes to hate and destroy myself. It has forever changed how I see children, how I will love my wives, and how I will raise my children and help all the world's children.

At the time of writing this, I have only told two others about my experiences with child porn. Both of them had the reaction many would have — that of disgust and the destruction of the person they thought I was. God has placed many curses on me, knowing through their development they will become my blessings.

But being honest about it now: I would like to have sex with children. Of course, in such a manner which would be consensual and not against the development of the child. Thus it is unlikely I will ever actually be able to. But I feel it is important for me to be honest about this to myself, and not keep it trapped in denial. For when it is unconscious it may grow to be a monster. Now, in the light of consciousness, it can develop into what it needs to become.