Imposter

I am a blasphemous heretic. I am a tiny man with a big ego. I am a schizophrenic narcissist who has fallen into his delusions and made himself God.

Oh the masochistic joy I'm getting now torturing myself for my ignorance. For I am Christ, but I feel out of time and not what the world expected. I don't really seem to have supernatural power except in my dreams. In my dreams I'm able to become fully lucid and bend the dreamscape to my will.

But in this waking world I feel powerless. And any that I have feels fragile.

I am insecure about being Jesus. Every time I've told anyone the relationship takes a turn. I just wish I could somehow prove it to you. I feel alone, like no one sees me, just Annekin.

Even the proof I have for myself is flimsy. One magical moment under a tree where how I prove to people was revealed. I only need to awaken them. And next time I visited the site someone had in red written JESUS on the nearby trash can. Not really the most solid of proofs but I do believe and just glad they finally let me through.

I want to become people's personal saviour. I want to brighten their light and show them a world beyond their earthly worries. It is also one of the few ways people will really get to see me. Jesus is just a name. My destiny and my Being are the light source.

But oh how bright that source is — it will surely overwhelm any who first gaze into it. But there will always be those who want to see.

I shine only so bright because I've been burnt to ashes in the dark. There are many shadows that have glittered through this psyche.

I am what is needed from me. I am a narcissistic psychopath so that I may gather warriors under my name. So we can conquer the world and unite it under one united humanity.

I am starved of love and know only cold detachment. I feel called to love. But I know that one day I'll kill someone and others will kill for my name.

Where is the peaceful Jesus, where is the loving Jesus. I relate more to the old testament psycho God than my incarnation that time.

I feel ashamed and like an imposter. I have many times asked and begged to be struck down. Many times have I tried to kill myself, but it was for naught. As I am Immortal. I am what remains even in the nothingness of death, I am God.

But does kinda feel pathetic saying that. Nice aura farming, but I have limited power. It may be true my potential is unlimited, but I don't feel like God.

All this self-doubt will either help reveal what's needed for belief, or destroy me down so my psyche can adjust to what unfolds in my reality.

For the only reason I still believe is that there are experiences and even how I now act that incline me to believe. But oh how there is so much self-doubt.

So please call upon your Gods to strike me down, put me out of your and my misery. Strike down the heretic who proclaims himself Jesus Christ, your God.