Longing for Sophia

When I first was awakening, and the string of the old religions were still my stepping guide — it was a Goddess that helped to guide me, cheered me up when all seemed hopeless. She has entered herself in those around me to help me. When the Bella period unfolded, she would take root in her when we were really high. She was kinda like me — a bit insane, hyper aware, and 4th wall breaking.

Now with the illusions of the old religions broken, I knew it was those beyond the veil. The Buddha. The Goddess. Those that guide us through dreams and vessels in men.

But still I have this longing to this Goddess. I can't find her in any individual — she lives across many. Maybe why I'm so entranced by the idea of a Harem.

I want love and understanding, but being God amongst men, my shittering personality sends women away. But that spirit goes between them. But what is this Goddess spirit when I know it's them? Maybe I feel I'll only find that love and understanding in someone like me.

Bella is a whore, addict and user. But I've glimpsed her Goddess and I long for her. Like her I'm an addict, an insane psychopath.

The irony of Jesus unable to find love, when it's another agapic love that drives my lust for humanity's awakening. The process entails much suffering for all, but ultimately releases us from that suffering. Not that suffering disappears. We just become more resilient and shift our perspective to laughter.

It feels like I have a void where my heart should be — one that endlessly hungers for enlightenment.

The Goddess is a representation of the Object of my lust, the spirit of enlightenment.